Weird Tract Number 115: "Archie's Parables" by Spire Christian Comics

Troy Davis writes:

Growing up, I could tolerate regular Archie Comics. My sister had a stack of them and I grudgingly read them when there were no new comics to read. The cheesecake illustrations of Betty and Veronica made them barely adequate. I would have hated Archie comics with the heat of a thousand suns had I known that its founder was a key player in the creation of the wretched Comics Code Authority.

When I discovered Spire Christian Comics at a newsstand, my first reaction was revulsion. First, they were offering a goody-two-shoes Christian version of Archie comics without the suggestive illustrations of Betty and Veronica.  To add insult to injury, they cost more than secular comic books. There was no way I was going to spend my hard-earned chore money to be preached to by lame-ass Riverdale bible-beaters. Since obtaining most of the Spire comics for the museum's collection, I discovered that my initial impressions of the imprint were largely spot on: these comics are lame! 

Nevertheless, there is one brief extremely suggestive page in one of the comics: Archie's Parables. Most of the book, like the rest of the Spire comics, is puerile fundamentalist propaganda. One story, however, would not have passed muster with the Comics Code Authority (Spire never submitted their comics to the CCA; UPDATE: this Twitter thread addresses the irony of the situation). The story is "Beelzebub's Boo-Boo." In this parable, the Archie gang encounters a castle owned by the evil Professor Beelzebub who imprisons members of the gang based on their weaknesses, e.g., Jughead's gluttony, Veronica's cupidity, and Reggie's vanity. The professor tempts Archie with a foursome with three foxy ladies! (See scan below) Archie rejects the orgy offer and he and Betty free the gang from the professor's enslavement.  That's really salacious material aimed at kids. Trippy stuff.

SPIRE CHRISTIAN COMICS NOTES: I briefly discuss Spire founder Al Hartley and noted similarities between him, Jack Chick, and Vic Lockman . . . The museum has most of the Spire titles. It also has a rare Spire spinner rack from the 1970s (see below) . . . A discussion of how the success of Spire Christian Comics in the 1970s motivated Logos International's ill-fated plunge into comic book publishing . . . The Simpsons TV show referenced Spires comics in the 2013 episode “Black-Eyed, Please” (S24 E15) In Homer's hospital room:

Ned Flanders:  Sorry, Homer. Now, do you mind if I pray at your bedside?

Homer: No, I don’t . . . if you pray to Superman.

Ned Flanders: I’m not praying to a character in a comic book.

Homer: What about Christian Archie comic books?

Ned: Neither canonical nor comical.

Also, In the 2006 episode "Regarding Marge" (S17 E20), Flanders offers Spire-esque "Christian comic books" to Bart, Nelson, and Milhouse to no avail.

The Museum of Weird and Demented Religious Tracts is a project of Les Zazous Postmodern Art Galley of Bellaire, Ohio. Read the Welcome Statement of The Museum here.

For more on the gallery, check out the website here and the gallery's Twitter handle is @ZazousLes.  The Twitter handle for the museum is @WeirdTracts

The index of tracts for the museum's website is here. 

Contributions of weird tracts to the museum can be made by mail: send your weird tracts to Les Zazous Postmodern Art Gallery 3475 Guernsey Street, Bellaire, Ohio 43906.